Only for the Haters

Photography has always been something I enjoyed and loved doing. Even when I was barley thinking or planning on taking photographs I still always found a way to snap a picture, capture the moment. No one taught me the fundamentals of photography or using cameras or anything professional wile growing up. This is something I just grew up doing, I remember looking back when I was a child and getting my first Mickey Mouse snap shot camera that took film. I used to just run away snapping photos of everything. I remember always having to wait for someone to developed the film and I just couldn't wait to see what was on the photos. Most of the time it was hit or miss with a lot of random or out of focus pictures but that never stopped me. It was not until later in my life I realized this was something that could help me cope, manage and deal with PTSD and other disabilities. To this day I have yet to turn my photography into a good source of income. For the last couple years I have been really trying to educate myself, practice, perfect my skills, and build a reputation to bring my hobby of photography and arts into a professional sustainable income to be able to support myself and open new opportunities and doors to continue to bring a new point of view to the world around us and work on bigger projects. Looking back on my photography at times has helped me see the beauty in life and everything around us. This is important for me because trying to bring myself from poverty running the streets along with my experiences from military infantry to disabled veteran it was hard to see things in a positive way especially with out anyone standing behind me supporting me. As I was growing up I never got the help I now know I needed. I needed to learn and be taught how to deal with anxiety, because feeling I never had a connection with someone enough to learn this is why I quickly developed a habit of avoiding things and became quiet, it wasn't until my later years being out in the streets hanging out with other mishaps that I felt I had friends or people that had the some common interest or habits. I didn't isolate myself out of lack of knowledge or guidance my biggest issue was being treated negatively and judged and even bullied for no good reason. I didn't understand things like making yourself an easy target or victim or self defense. This was a huge motivator to join the military I hated being picked on and treated with disrespect. I want to prove to people even when faced with one of the hardest things

SOOOOOO I'M HERE TO TELL YOU I have graduated and I am proud of what I have been able to do and learned where I slacked and needed help giving me a better understanding of myself. Some people don't always agree with my point of view or choices but I can honestly say I have never let someone else opinion stop me from doing what I need to do or want to do. Becoming a photographer or designer was a passion of mine and I was not going to let non experienced or established people stop me from diving head first into the hustle. I am not afraid to make mistakes, take chances and listen to mostly bullshit that come out of others mouths most likely the same ones doing nothing with their own lives.

When compared to those who have it easy or had it easy, has family or friends support and everything; that refuse to stand for anything meaningful. For a while I wanted recognition and respect for my creations for my talents, for my skills but over time, and being able to sit back reflect on my accomplishments and experience. I realize I have nothing to prove to anyone and what truly matters is not being bitter but being positive and open to all sorts of knowledge; leaving a legacy behind for others to follow by example, limiting the ability to use excuses as a reason stay stagnate. 

I started to question why would I let someone that does not even know how to use google to affect my feelings. WHO ARE THESE LAMES? even I have had to learn to accept who I am but for people to run around disrespecting people is a new low for society. I do not think a lot of people truly understand how PTSD effects people and so many people different ways. This affects me even to this day but more extreme things like going or dealing with court. Makes me feel sick I start to get extreme shakes and anxiety for no reason. Just driving on 95 gets me worked up because its difficult to accept people are uneducated or plain ignorant when deciding to drive ignorantly around others. I don't know why I get like this, I let myself be over whelmed by thoughts and questions and fear. I would never want to cover up these feelings or act fake and pretend nothing is wrong just to keep people from judging me or talking about me because where I am at in my life now I have full confidence in myself and I have fully accept you I am, Who are you? These feelings may have been too much at times but the beauty about it after making through some tough times is you learn that this is exactly why I stayed out of trouble and was able to distance myself from some fragile situations.   

This is why when I was drinking or on medication I just didn't want to do anything, most of the time I would pretty much hide in a hole never feeling comfortable in any job or around anyone. A lot of this is just not being able to relate to people or sometimes have conversations with people because my concerns, experiences, ideas, even goals are not the same as most people I was around or willing to talk with. The hardest part is finding that connection with people that could help, that would help, if they just got to know my story or got to know who I am as a person and evaluated my character. I couldn't and cant continue to allow myself to be the victim and the hard part is learning how to properly and legal fight for myself. How to expect more for myself than to just except what is given or available with out seeming to be ignorant or selfish or greedy. I have very real issues and disabilities I have to deal with but I have made it through the toughest part and that is finding a way to manage and cope and I have done so for the most part.  Now I need to break out of my fear and anxiety in order to move into the next stages of my life if I want more out of life. A lot of people try telling me to narrow down your audience and who your marketing towards. But I don't believe we have to follow a system that only works for few and even then its questionable. This is a free world a free market so why am I not allowed to be multi creative and work with many things whether that be photography, designing, painting, drawing, giving advise, personal security, driver, helper, or volunteer. I could move back to the small city I have grown up in and more than likely succeed and out hustle those already in the game. Then I would have to worry about all the haters and shit talkers that have nothing better to do than to attack someone like me. I like a challenge and If I can succeed in a big city with all odds against me then what does it matter what anyone has to say?

I am a clean, sober, graduate, veteran, artist, designer, photographer.